saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
