if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
