well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So much Jack, so little girl.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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