Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
