Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
