Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
