bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
