you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
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