My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
