It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
