Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
we're making bets on your personal life
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
