Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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