Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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