also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
