I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
