I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
