I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Drake has all the answers
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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