Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
