she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
