I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
