i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You are the jesus of drinking
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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