dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
