He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
