btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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