Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
