I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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