Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
God, I missed his penis.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
