My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
