Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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