she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
