I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
