I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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