So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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