I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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