my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
