dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
