Don't make out with my wife yet
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
