Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
