you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
