New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
