I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
