you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
