I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
