Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
