my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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