i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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