You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
