no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
