I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
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