she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
