I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
