I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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